It's my fault...

A moment happened yesterday that woke me up to a horrifying fact:

It is my fault that I don't have many close friends.

There are many reasons.  I haven't done a great job of keeping in touch with my long distance friends over the years, something Facebook oddly enough might be helping to alleviate.  Another reason could be my frequency of moving.  We have moved locations every 3 years at least during our married lives (and if I count before that I can add another 2 more during college). While it is easier for me to make friends more quickly, it is not the same for my wife.

She made some best friends in places, again, where Facebook has allowed them to reconnect.  But I've caused her to disconnect with them because of my vocation.  This leads to another reason, said former vocation. There is always this wall between a pastor and people in his/her congregation.  As much as I made an effort to scale this wall and come on the other side, bricks were continually being laid, making the wall harder to climb, to the point I just gave up after a while.

A final reason probably has been the many times I was burnt while I was a pastor.  The time I felt like I finally got through the wall, my vulnerability got the best of me.  Now, it makes every new friendship that much harder to risk.  It sucks getting hurt.  Now, I find that extreme cautious a natural mechanism in my new friendships.

Currently, the vocation is removed (for now), and I don't have that wall in the way, yet I still feel like I'm not developing those close friendships.  I think there are some on their way, but not to the point where I would say I try everything possible to meet up with them to just chat and chill.

I have two friends I can say that about right now, my wife and Mark Dennison.  I haven't spoken with Mark in about 5 months, but I guarantee when we do, we'll just pick up where we left off.  Another  friend of mine, who I haven't spoken to in ages, told me that "frequency doesn't determine the depth of friendship."  If I can pick up where I left off last time and not feel guilty, usually those are my closer friends.  I'm still not sure about my friends quote, but I'm sure frequency couldn't hurt.

Now, I am taking little risks, and feeling as cautious as a person seeing the light for the first time after spending years in darkness; I just want to crawl back in the hole that I've known for so long. Many times, I feel like that third/fourth/fifth wheel of a group, reminiscent of many of my middle and high school days.  The nice guy never finds a group to belong to, he just seems to be a chameleon.  I don't know whether or not that's unhealthy.

Until then, I pray that I can stay in a place long enough to the roots grow more than an inch.  Maybe I can hope for a foot.

I shouldn't even put up this post, maybe I'll take it down, but I've got to download this somehow.

And to all of my former good friends, I apologize for being a sucky one.  I can't promise you I'll be better, but I'll keep taking risks, hoping that I can leave that dark hole I found so comfortable.

Comments

[Heath]

You are not a bad friend. I still think of you as one of my best friends, even if we don't get to talk much.

You are loved.

[Mike]

Just letting everyone know that I wasn't looking for sympathy or encouragement, just getting things off my chest, knowing that some might relate.

But thanks for the love Heath!

[Erica]

Mike,
Good post. It is nice to see a post about your life and what you are going through. We will pray for guys.