Just a little over a week before Christmas, and still no employment.
I have never felt this much rejection in my entire life. When I’ve applied to jobs in the past, it’s only taken about 2 times before I landed somewhere. This season, it’s been over 10 times. From churches to even seasonal, I just can’t seem to make it to the final stage (or it gets changed entirely).
I was talking with a friend of mine and he asked, “Have you noticed any patterns in why you’re getting turned down?”
I can’t put my finger on anything. I really can’t. They all have been different reasons. Some places didn’t think I could fit in a “traditional worship” setting. Others went with a part-time direction instead of a full-time one. Others just simply won’t tell me. So I sit here again, feeling the pressure of having to find anything very soon.
So many times, I hear people say, “Well, God has a plan.” “Obviously, God didn’t want you to have that.” My advice to those who say these words, please don’t say them. They’re not helpful.
Trying to understand what’s happening is beyond those words. I haven’t felt more confident in my gifts and abilities than ever, yet I have felt the most rejection at this time.
I’m even contemplating whether or not I can’t be in full-time vocational ministry anymore. As each opportunity comes and goes, so does my confidence.
Every once in a while, I get reminders that God is still using me, that people still appreciate my efforts in the past. Sometimes, I think they were a waste. This is completely natural to feel in the midst of this time. While I had hoped that some role would come my way, my hopes have now turned into wishes. I just don’t know how this is going to work out anymore.
Right now, it’s easy to say the right words, to say that this will only last a short time. The honest truth is, I don’t know how long this will last. My past failures are only intensified in this season. The “Keep Going” file (the file I keep to remind me that I am making a difference) is beginning to feel dry.
If I’m not careful, I just won’t care at all anymore. Thankfully, I’m not there yet.
I am still praying that the right fit comes. Until then, I’ll just take it a day at a time.