Soul Renovatus

I'm an idiot...

Just picked up "The Godbearing Life" by Dean and Foster. The encouraging thing is, the book is saying what I have been sensing/doing the last 3 years in ministry. The hard part is, I have a LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG way to go.

One thing I have to quit doing is feeling like I'm needed. It's not even within youth ministry, but more the youth ministry/emergent/whatever conversation. Sometimes I think I'm just trying to make a valuable contribution...thinking that people will just think, "Ok, he knows what he's talking about." But do you ever feel like you don't know what you're talking about? I mean, I feel like I'm in this 12' deep pool, treading water with all of things I'm reading, observing, and somehow trying to process it all and where to go with this. It's just plain crazy. You go to trainings, conventions and such, and it's so easy to feel like a complete idiot when you come back. There is always that pull to feel that way, to feel like you need to be valuable to others and the conversation. I guess I'll just say this...I'm so sick of it.

I'm tired of trying to "prove" myself to others. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be an intelligent contributor to the conversation, not because I want to know the answer, but so that people can think I actually know something. I mean, that's pride folks, plain and simple. I want no part of that.  I want to know that I'm doing the right thing...that I am leading in the right direction.

Sometimes I wonder if I need to crawl in a hole and process this all...but at the same time I know I am a shepherd. I have a call by God to tend the flock, and that's what I will do.

I sat here yesterday thinking to myself, "Am I effective?" I mean, why am I asking that question? Maybe it's just going through 5 years of pain and gravitating toward it...I'm not sure. Maybe it's going through the pain of people telling me the last 5 years that I am "ineffective." After you hear it so much you wonder if it's true.  Isn't that listening to wise counsel.  But how is it that in your bones you sense that you are doing the right thing, that you are going the right direction?  I mean, is it just denial?  Am I just delaying the inevitable? Then I read books like "The Godbearing Life" and hear that I am being "effective." I just hate that word. Yes, I want to make a difference, but I just want to point people to Jesus. I am so flawed...I have such a long way to go...

At the same time, it's amazing to think that God would want to use idiots like me to bring the Kingdom to earth. God has called me here...I don't feel worthy of filling the position, I don't feel I am adequate to do the job...but maybe...just maybe...that's who God wants. And for that I stand in humility and gratitude at the awesome grace God decides to lavish upon me. I mean...do I really deserve this?

Does anybody else feel this way? I have been fed so much this lie of trying to "appear to have it altogether." I'm tired of it. I want to tell people that it's ok to wade through the valley, and trust God in the midst of it. To feel inadequate, unworthy, and unqualified. I mean, God called Moses, a murderer, to free the nation of Israel. God called ordinary fisherman to be rabbis...and somehow God's called me. May we have grateful hearts, full of God's amazing love and grace, as we serve the best we know how.

Does anybody hear me?

...'nuff said.

Grace,

Lambo

Ministry is not what you do...

Wow...didn't realize it's been a while since I've updated. A pretty crazy schedule, but God has been showing me amazing things these last two weeks.

Just got back from a conference in Ohio (The Youth Ministry Institute at Methodist Theological School of Ohio) where I was leading worship. It's always great to go back and visit friends at the same time hear some great speakers. I had a chance to meet Steve Case, whom I read in Youthworker journal everytime. He is the author of the Book of Uncommon Prayer, which is a valuable tool in youth ministry (and any for that matter). Pick it up. I know you'll use it. It was great to shoot the breeze with him and talk youth ministry and our lives.

I also had a chance to meet Kenda Dean (Kenda Creasy Dean if you're familiar with the books)...hehe...come to think of it she's probably reading this so that's gotta be weird to see this line...I digress....

Let's just say that last 3 years or so I have been bombarded with the importance of theology in youth ministry (and any for that matter). I thought about how many youth ministers are theologically barren in their ministries. It is quite frustrating. It has led me to aggressively pursue having a proper framework (and find out what myths theologically have bought into) for theology, because I am constantly confronted with real life questions and know that my response is critical to teens in how I present (or represent) Jesus. A canned answer doesn't do it, teens see right through it.

Lately, I have been overwhemed in the Scriptures with how many times people go throughout those desert experiences. I have always asked the question, "Why do we pray to get out of the desert all of the time?" Or maybe you've noticed that everytime you go through some trial that you constantly begging God to help you find a way out of it, or thinking that you've done something wrong to deserve the predicament you find yourself in.

I continue reading the Scriptures and see how these periods are necessary to the journey. Instead of asking, "God, why here? Why me?" Maybe we should be asking, "God, what are You trying to say to me through all of this?" Kenda Dean talked about this a ton at the conference. I was grinning inside because for the first time in a while I DIDN'T FEEL ALONE. I have pushed this thinking in other places and I get puzzled looks. It's like, "There goes Mike again, he's going to retreat to some cave or something and cut himself up." It's not about that! It's about knowing that God's promise holds true...that good will come out of what you go through as you continue to love Him.

God's silence does not mean God's absence. I can't tell you how many times teenagers have approached me with this type of thinking. I have seen many youth pastors do injustice to God by trying to comfort teens back onto the mountaintop (or quite honestly, even pushing)...they try to give teens that "moving experience," or catering to self-pity. It just makes me want to puke. I mean, seriously, how do you think character is formed? At a wedding reception, where everyone feels great and there's the best food and dancing? Or by the dumpster in the dirty alleyway? Where sometimes all you want to do is just survive?

My response to teens going through these times is to teach them God's promises. That there is hope. That God is not absent, but at the same time asking the question, "What does God want to say to me through this process?" As we journey together in community, most of the teens find that there is hope in the midst of those times, that good can come out of it in the end. That holding onto God's hand while being raked through the coals is a VERY good thing sometimes.

With that, I happened to pick up a couple of books by Kenda that just made me laugh. The Godbearing Life (w/Ron Foster) and Practicing Passion. The very things that I had been thinking through and wondering about and having strong convictions of are in a book!! Again, I DO NOT FEEL ALONE ANYMORE! It's a great feeling to know that. It's good to know that these concepts, thoughts, reflections, insights, and real life questions that I have are legitimate. That I really am not CRAZY! I'm looking forward to dialoguing with others about things like this, and this only makes my desire to go back to seminary more inflamed (You can pray for the funds to come through and for which seminary to choose).

Theology is important. How you think theologically has a direct effect on how you do ministry. If you believe that God is only about the mountaintop, or when everything feels right, or being certain of things...than we're missing out on a lot of the Bible (I mean what about the Psalms and Lamentations for crying out loud!). I pray that you would continue to pursue the Scriptures to get the proper framework, not so you can have knowledge, but to be able to show others this great hope that we have!

...but who you are!

Grace,

Lambo