Soul Renovatus

This blog still exists...

Hey all,

Seminary has been kicking my butt all semester, but I plan on resuming in the next couple of weeks.  Lots of things to talk about.

I'll will be doing my internship/residency with Fifty6 @Mars Hill starting in a couple of weeks.  I know Jim Kast-Keat.com has a lot of plans for me.

Otherwise I'll still be doing the bookstore thing at the seminary and trying to teach Grace a myriad of things.

Stay tuned.

25 Random Things About Me...

Okay I finally gave in. Although I don't feel like tagging anybody else because it is this vicious cycle that keeps coming back to me.  Hope you enjoy it.

1. I’ve eaten dog poop…when I was 3 years old. I thought it was a hot dog…it didn’t taste like one and yes, it was gross.
2. I’ve also eaten my own poop and made wonderful art with it…when I was two years old. At least according to my dad who told all of my high school friends.
3. I was obsessed with poop before the age of five. Are you surprised?
4. I love cats. I love them so much that I whirled them around like a helicopter, hammer-throwing them against the wall…when I was 3 and 4.
5. I also used a cat for a research project in 7th grade. I disproved the commonly assumed hypothesis that cats always land on their feet. I took my cat Buddy, leaned over the railing of our stairs, and threw him down to the 1st floor. He always rolled down the stairs and never landed on his feet. I did this three times like my teacher said to prove it was true
6. I really do love cats.  I have two of them, Mattie and Stan, and I don’t abuse them…seriously…except I spank Mattie…but she likes it.
7. I’m really not as messed up as I sound so far…just almost.
8. I have three official birth certificates on three different days, and my first legal name was Michal…which I thought was really cool until I found out it was King David’s first wife whose name meant “barren.”  I don’t know what my mom and dad were thinking there.  Maybe it had to do with cats and poop.
9. I loved jump roping on the playground in elementary school. I think I was the only boy who did.  I was made fun of a lot…but the girls like me better, and that helped when I got into 6th grade.
10. I looked like someone who literally had skin on bones when I was growing up…I remember one of my old high school classmates 10 years later not even recognize me because I had gained 100 pounds since he last saw me at graduation.
11. I wish I exercised more, I want to be in between the fat me now and the skinny me then.
12. I have always wished I could be in a band. I always think about who in the world I can team up with. I already have a band name, Standing With Eve. 
13. Sometimes I wish I picked a career field that paid a lot better than what I’m doing now.
14. Before becoming a pastor, I was dead set on being a chiropractor. I still would love to do it, but I would have to go to school for a lot longer time.
15. I have a huge problem in trying to feel validated. This has gotten much better over the years, but my current dart hobby has brought this back up again.
16. My dart team’s name is “Holy Scriptures.” I am also known as “Preacher,” and love hanging out in the bar every week with hardcore bar people. I have had so many incredible conversations.
17. I believe all ministers should have a hobby that connects them outside their Christian subculture.  It keeps the edge on.
18. I really should write more, poetic and prosetic (is that a word?).
19. I feel like the last 12 years has hindered my wife of her dreams.
20. I’m also afraid I’ll get in the way of daughter’s dreams as well.
21. Teaching feels like the only thing I’m really good at, and even then I’m not sure, which leads to a lot of depression sometimes.
22. I’m 33 years old and I feel like I have to start over, which makes me feel like I’ve failed the last 32 years of my life.
23. The church I currently attend is the first place where I have overwhelmingly been embraced and encouraged in my gifts.
24. I wish I would’ve known about how to relate to adults when I was training to become a youth pastor.  Adults really can be jerks.
25. I feel like I am unworthy to be with my wife. She is most intelligent, talented, and passionate person I know. I feel like I bring her down many times.  I consider myself one of the most fortunate people around because of this fact.

There are many of these moments...

Of wondering why you are in seminary.  All of this reading, papers, and stuff feel so futile sometimes.

I'm just going to file it under the January/February depression. Because thinking of some things also makes me think of what the heck I'm doing with my life, whether I'm making a difference, and all of those things I don't need to think about.

I mean, the only thing that keeps me sane at the moment is seeing how many Bonus Ninjas I can get at www.jimkastkeat.com.  You should play...guess the quotes, why Jim likes it, and earn free coffee, but all I care about now is building my ninja army.

And because ninjas are on my mind, enjoy the ultimate ninja's commentary on crazy people:

I am still alive...

I know it's been ages since I've posted. There are many reasons.  My motivation for writing isn't there, and this post really sums up a lot of it. (HT to Steve Carter and Matt Laidlaw)

I've been on break since mid-December, and through holidays and sicknesses, ready to start another semester in a couple of weeks, and it's looking much harder than last one. 

On a good note, I finally did get a job...at the seminary bookstore!  Perfect for my schedule.  It's been great so far, and I love every minute of it.

Maybe I'll write more soon.

It's time to kick my own arse...

Yes, it's time to start watching virtual trainers kick Mii into shape (kinda).

Grace has already used it more than I have.  She ran upstairs (in her exercise clothes) and asked me, "Daddy, am I fit?"

I already ran a couple 2 minute jogs with her.  She asked me, "Daddy, why are you so tired already?"

Case closed.

The ongoing adventures of my calling...

This is a continuation from the post I just made regarding my revelation from Fifty6.

There are so many things swarming through my mind on what's next.  I have 3 more years of seminary to go (which seems like forever), but I have no idea where this road leads.  Here are a couple of things going through my brain at the moment.

If I could teach 5th and 6th graders on a regular basis, I would have no problem with that.  I just love this age group, and they get a lot more things than we give them credit for. I thought it would be more difficult to do, but it was refreshing, fun, and enlightening.  These students are just amazing to work with.  It's amazing how many of them are really latching onto finding what God wants to do with their lives.  It's inspiring.

I also got the comment today that I would make a great professor.  I heard a seminary acquaintance of mine speak last week in class, and he is definitely professor material.  This particular person making the comment said that we need more professors that are down to earth, to take complex things and make them practical to today.  I like reading, I like deep stuff, but I don't feel I'm suited for severe academia.  I can do the research and study, but I'm more interested on how these complex theological things intersect with our current context and lives.  If people need professors who do that, then maybe I could do that. I just feel like I don't have much of the book knowledge that many of the professors keep communicating all of the time.

With that, I told my wife the other day that if I can get Greek down I wouldn't mind teaching it at the undergraduate level.  My Greek class was less than desirable after I've been through the rigors of this one.  There is so much I wished I learned in undergrad Greek that I'm learning now.

So, that is most of the struggle at the moment.  The hardest part is that I'm 33, going to school, and I feel like I have to start over.  This brings up so many things.  Like the fact that the my first 10 years in ministry were a waste.  I know they weren't, but sometimes there's the feeling like those first 10 years don't make a difference to where I am right now.  In some ways, it is like starting over; there's no way I would go back to the churches I was a part of before.  I just don't fit there.  At the same time, I've never had experience in any other context.  Is this what they call a mid-life crisis?  Who knows...

Anyway, those are some of the things swarming through my head.  I know God will continue to make some things more clear in due time, but it sure is frustrating trying to figure it all out.

Summer has been a blur...

Since I've been off from school this summer, one would think that I would have sat down more to blog. Guess I've disappointed people in that regard. So after some of my friends crying out for me to write, I figure I'd better get a move on.

Obviously, lots of things have been happening over the summer, so I'll highlight a few:

1. I just got back from speaking at a conference in PA called Impact. It was a place that I have spoke out two times previously. They have been one of the most affirming groups for my teaching gifts. I had a good time. I spoke on "Embracing the Wilderness," which of course, has pretty much been my life story the last 2 years. Amazing conversations from many in regards to it.

2. This summer has also been great in affirming some of my calling as well. I'm still trying to find out exactly what my niche is. I know that teaching/preaching is one of them, but I just don't know where that is going. One adult in particular (and this is the very brief version) called me the "pastor-prophet." He said he usually doesn't see those two sets of gifts put together in a person, but it works really well for me. He encouraged me to continue down the road I was going on and celebrated what God is doing through me. It was a very powerful clarifying moment for me.

Along with that was a comment from many of the adults at this last conference in PA. For the first time in a while, I had many adults telling me that they could sit and listen to me teach all day and ask if I had aspirations for leading or teaching at a church. I was struck odd by that. I'm still processing that a little bit, but it's something I'm paying attention to.

Along with that, thanks to my good friend Jim Keat I will be team-teaching with him at Fifty6, our 5th and 6th grade ministry this fall. Jim and Josh Bishop have been the other group of the most affirming people of my gifts, always giving me an opportunity to express them. I am humbled and grateful at the opportunity and I am seeing God start to make clearer the path he's forging ahead for me.

3. I have a huge load this coming semester, and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm starting Greek, which I haven't taken since college, and I'm actually really excited for it. I know it's going to be really tough, but I'm excited at the insights I will gain because of it. I'm also taking Systematic Theology I (which is going to be brutal by looking at the syllabus already), Teaching and Learning for Christian Nurture (which is a class on creative teaching of the Bible, sounds like a lot of fun work!), and Program Introduction Seminar (which is a initial class for MDiv students on how to study, research, and basically be a good seminary student). I just shelled out a boatload yesterday for books, but thankfully some of them will be books I will be using for a while.

That's pretty much it, I've been working, cooking, and being dad to Grace in the meantime. I can't believe in 3 weeks school will start up again for both of us (and Julia actually started school toward her MBA in July). It just feels like yesterday she was off.

That's all for now, and I'm sure I'll write more on stuff I'm reading, stories, and the like.

More reflections on life as I turn one year older...

Well, next week I'll be 33.

For some odd reason, this year is harder than others.  I guess because it's closer to 35, and I think that more than likely, if God allows, I've lived around half of my life already. 

I'm going to seminary, and sitting here thinking what have I done with my life? 

I have to admit, not being in full-time vocational paycheck ministry makes me feel a little naked.  I miss it a lot.  I think sometimes it's the feeling of identity, other times I think it's just a part of me and I don't get to be fully involved with it.  I guess I feel sometimes that my life is a bunch of mediocre.  I'm not saying it's true, but that's just what it feels like sometimes.  I love being a part of Mars Hill, and I hate not knowing where all of these paths are taking me.  I'm not upset that I don't know because I think I should, but because it feels like I am still aimlessly wandering in the wilderness.

I love youth ministry.  I don't think that will ever change.  Hanging around adolescents keeps me on my toes.  The uninhibited dreaming, passion, and creativity is something I don't want to let go of.  What I struggle with is the whole "calling" aspect.  I honestly think I'm not leaving youth ministry, but I think the categories that I used to file under "calling" has been questioned.  Youth ministry is in a state of flux (when is it not?), and I'm finding that the gifts I feel I have are not realistically going to be utilized in my current circumstances.  Let me explain.

For 10 years, I found myself in places where I was the sole paid person. It was not something I regretted, but what I found myself doing is everything: making newsletters (which I don't mind), stuffing and mailing newsletters, and I can list a million other things.  For a not- as-administratively gifted person as I am, I found myself being mostly administrative and not enough creative/teachingish (which is more me).  I know administration is part of the job.  I don't have a problem with it.  I just found for me, that I have certain limits...I need help.  As much as I sought after it (getting students to do mailings, having people help me organize files, etc...), it was like pulling teeth.  I don't know if this was because they felt I should be capable, or that they didn't have time, or that I was a poor leader, or all of the above.  I just know that it killed me.  It sapped the energy I could put into teaching, dreaming, being creative: the things that I loved doing. I don't know if I've truly had the space to do so.

So, at this point, if I went back into youth ministry, where would I go?  I have never been in a multi-staff youth ministry, and I have had a hard time flying solo, and I'll be 33, and...do you see where this is going? 

What made it difficult as well was that I didn't have someone to process this with.  I am still processing it now.  I think now I feel more confident of going back and working for a church again for a paycheck, willing to be shot at 95% of the time, I just don't know where I would fit.  I really can't go back to what I did before, and I don't have the experience in larger church settings for those places to take me on.  So I feel stuck.

This is not a plea for a job, please.  It's just stuff that's always on my mind.  I think the journey through seminary is valuable for me right now.  I feel like already after one semester I have a deeper pool to draw from.  Mars Hill has ruined me too.  I'm not saying that I can't be anywhere else, but what I look for in a church is much more limited because of it.  I've been hurt too much to go back to the way I did it before.

It's the always present question of wondering if I'm making a difference in this world.  I still have many issues (like all of us) to work through, but at soon-to-be 33 I see so many people younger than me, with the same passion, who are walking down great roads, living their dream with no stopping point.  I feel like my dreams were put on hiatus, and I'm getting the crap kicked out of me some more before I go back in the ring.

I also am aware that I'm writing this at 1:25am after studying since 9pm.  So I'm sure that's part of it too. :)

I also know that many have written over the years of the difference I've made in their lives.  Honestly, it's those students who have told me those things over the years that makes me think that I still need to be there.  I have a hard time thinking that I wouldn't spend time with adolescents.  It just doesn't seem that I could do anything else right now.  I don't want to.

So I pray that hopefully in the next few months, that the path becomes a little more clear.  I don't want to know what's 2 clicks ahead, I just want to know that the next click I'm stepping into is the right one for me.

Please pray for my wife...UPDATE...

Well, it's 5 weeks and counting. 

My wife has been sick for that long.  We finally got some blood testing done in the last couple of days, and we were told that her white blood cell count resembled those who were fighting serious illnesses in hospitals or leukemia.  Thankfully that went down from today's sample, but the doctors are definitely concerned about what they see.  We're at a wait and see at this moment, but I just wanted y'all to pray that we would find out what this thing is, and that the docs can find some way to get rid of it.

I apologize for my lack of communication in the many roles that I find myself, but I am still running on reserve right now...plus the fact that our 2 comps (laptop and desktop) have been fried.

***UPDATE***  Most of the tests have come back and at this point it's pneumonia.  It's going to be a hard few months with tax season coming up.  She's trying to work now, but just pray that's she'll have the strength at this point to function.  We are going in on Friday for another blood test to make sure things are on the right path.

I've been accepted to seminary...again!

Finally just got accepted to Grand Rapids seminary!  It's something I've felt more strongly about as the last few months have moved forward.  Now, the question is, can this even float financially?  Even more, can I be disciplined enough to take 9 credit hours and have a life? 

I'll guess we'll see where the financial picture lays after I fill out all of this paperwork.

The encouraging thing is that I can apply 11 credit hours of my bachelor's toward my seminary degree.  That's pretty much a whole semester!  I could've taken off 7 for Greek, but I'd have to take a test, and considering it's been 10 years since I've had Greek, I think my 5 year old would have a better chance of passing than I would at this point.

I was accepted before I came to Mars Hill, but God brought us here. 

I'm excited about finally going, but no doubt it will be a huge test for our family. You can pray for us.