Soul Renovatus

Summer has been a blur...

Since I've been off from school this summer, one would think that I would have sat down more to blog. Guess I've disappointed people in that regard. So after some of my friends crying out for me to write, I figure I'd better get a move on.

Obviously, lots of things have been happening over the summer, so I'll highlight a few:

1. I just got back from speaking at a conference in PA called Impact. It was a place that I have spoke out two times previously. They have been one of the most affirming groups for my teaching gifts. I had a good time. I spoke on "Embracing the Wilderness," which of course, has pretty much been my life story the last 2 years. Amazing conversations from many in regards to it.

2. This summer has also been great in affirming some of my calling as well. I'm still trying to find out exactly what my niche is. I know that teaching/preaching is one of them, but I just don't know where that is going. One adult in particular (and this is the very brief version) called me the "pastor-prophet." He said he usually doesn't see those two sets of gifts put together in a person, but it works really well for me. He encouraged me to continue down the road I was going on and celebrated what God is doing through me. It was a very powerful clarifying moment for me.

Along with that was a comment from many of the adults at this last conference in PA. For the first time in a while, I had many adults telling me that they could sit and listen to me teach all day and ask if I had aspirations for leading or teaching at a church. I was struck odd by that. I'm still processing that a little bit, but it's something I'm paying attention to.

Along with that, thanks to my good friend Jim Keat I will be team-teaching with him at Fifty6, our 5th and 6th grade ministry this fall. Jim and Josh Bishop have been the other group of the most affirming people of my gifts, always giving me an opportunity to express them. I am humbled and grateful at the opportunity and I am seeing God start to make clearer the path he's forging ahead for me.

3. I have a huge load this coming semester, and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm starting Greek, which I haven't taken since college, and I'm actually really excited for it. I know it's going to be really tough, but I'm excited at the insights I will gain because of it. I'm also taking Systematic Theology I (which is going to be brutal by looking at the syllabus already), Teaching and Learning for Christian Nurture (which is a class on creative teaching of the Bible, sounds like a lot of fun work!), and Program Introduction Seminar (which is a initial class for MDiv students on how to study, research, and basically be a good seminary student). I just shelled out a boatload yesterday for books, but thankfully some of them will be books I will be using for a while.

That's pretty much it, I've been working, cooking, and being dad to Grace in the meantime. I can't believe in 3 weeks school will start up again for both of us (and Julia actually started school toward her MBA in July). It just feels like yesterday she was off.

That's all for now, and I'm sure I'll write more on stuff I'm reading, stories, and the like.

More reflections on life as I turn one year older...

Well, next week I'll be 33.

For some odd reason, this year is harder than others.  I guess because it's closer to 35, and I think that more than likely, if God allows, I've lived around half of my life already. 

I'm going to seminary, and sitting here thinking what have I done with my life? 

I have to admit, not being in full-time vocational paycheck ministry makes me feel a little naked.  I miss it a lot.  I think sometimes it's the feeling of identity, other times I think it's just a part of me and I don't get to be fully involved with it.  I guess I feel sometimes that my life is a bunch of mediocre.  I'm not saying it's true, but that's just what it feels like sometimes.  I love being a part of Mars Hill, and I hate not knowing where all of these paths are taking me.  I'm not upset that I don't know because I think I should, but because it feels like I am still aimlessly wandering in the wilderness.

I love youth ministry.  I don't think that will ever change.  Hanging around adolescents keeps me on my toes.  The uninhibited dreaming, passion, and creativity is something I don't want to let go of.  What I struggle with is the whole "calling" aspect.  I honestly think I'm not leaving youth ministry, but I think the categories that I used to file under "calling" has been questioned.  Youth ministry is in a state of flux (when is it not?), and I'm finding that the gifts I feel I have are not realistically going to be utilized in my current circumstances.  Let me explain.

For 10 years, I found myself in places where I was the sole paid person. It was not something I regretted, but what I found myself doing is everything: making newsletters (which I don't mind), stuffing and mailing newsletters, and I can list a million other things.  For a not- as-administratively gifted person as I am, I found myself being mostly administrative and not enough creative/teachingish (which is more me).  I know administration is part of the job.  I don't have a problem with it.  I just found for me, that I have certain limits...I need help.  As much as I sought after it (getting students to do mailings, having people help me organize files, etc...), it was like pulling teeth.  I don't know if this was because they felt I should be capable, or that they didn't have time, or that I was a poor leader, or all of the above.  I just know that it killed me.  It sapped the energy I could put into teaching, dreaming, being creative: the things that I loved doing. I don't know if I've truly had the space to do so.

So, at this point, if I went back into youth ministry, where would I go?  I have never been in a multi-staff youth ministry, and I have had a hard time flying solo, and I'll be 33, and...do you see where this is going? 

What made it difficult as well was that I didn't have someone to process this with.  I am still processing it now.  I think now I feel more confident of going back and working for a church again for a paycheck, willing to be shot at 95% of the time, I just don't know where I would fit.  I really can't go back to what I did before, and I don't have the experience in larger church settings for those places to take me on.  So I feel stuck.

This is not a plea for a job, please.  It's just stuff that's always on my mind.  I think the journey through seminary is valuable for me right now.  I feel like already after one semester I have a deeper pool to draw from.  Mars Hill has ruined me too.  I'm not saying that I can't be anywhere else, but what I look for in a church is much more limited because of it.  I've been hurt too much to go back to the way I did it before.

It's the always present question of wondering if I'm making a difference in this world.  I still have many issues (like all of us) to work through, but at soon-to-be 33 I see so many people younger than me, with the same passion, who are walking down great roads, living their dream with no stopping point.  I feel like my dreams were put on hiatus, and I'm getting the crap kicked out of me some more before I go back in the ring.

I also am aware that I'm writing this at 1:25am after studying since 9pm.  So I'm sure that's part of it too. :)

I also know that many have written over the years of the difference I've made in their lives.  Honestly, it's those students who have told me those things over the years that makes me think that I still need to be there.  I have a hard time thinking that I wouldn't spend time with adolescents.  It just doesn't seem that I could do anything else right now.  I don't want to.

So I pray that hopefully in the next few months, that the path becomes a little more clear.  I don't want to know what's 2 clicks ahead, I just want to know that the next click I'm stepping into is the right one for me.

Please pray for my wife...UPDATE...

Well, it's 5 weeks and counting. 

My wife has been sick for that long.  We finally got some blood testing done in the last couple of days, and we were told that her white blood cell count resembled those who were fighting serious illnesses in hospitals or leukemia.  Thankfully that went down from today's sample, but the doctors are definitely concerned about what they see.  We're at a wait and see at this moment, but I just wanted y'all to pray that we would find out what this thing is, and that the docs can find some way to get rid of it.

I apologize for my lack of communication in the many roles that I find myself, but I am still running on reserve right now...plus the fact that our 2 comps (laptop and desktop) have been fried.

***UPDATE***  Most of the tests have come back and at this point it's pneumonia.  It's going to be a hard few months with tax season coming up.  She's trying to work now, but just pray that's she'll have the strength at this point to function.  We are going in on Friday for another blood test to make sure things are on the right path.

I've been accepted to seminary...again!

Finally just got accepted to Grand Rapids seminary!  It's something I've felt more strongly about as the last few months have moved forward.  Now, the question is, can this even float financially?  Even more, can I be disciplined enough to take 9 credit hours and have a life? 

I'll guess we'll see where the financial picture lays after I fill out all of this paperwork.

The encouraging thing is that I can apply 11 credit hours of my bachelor's toward my seminary degree.  That's pretty much a whole semester!  I could've taken off 7 for Greek, but I'd have to take a test, and considering it's been 10 years since I've had Greek, I think my 5 year old would have a better chance of passing than I would at this point.

I was accepted before I came to Mars Hill, but God brought us here. 

I'm excited about finally going, but no doubt it will be a huge test for our family. You can pray for us.

My latest hiatus...

It feels like I have more of these than not, but our family has been swapping the sickness bug for the last 4-5 weeks now.  It just sucks.  Right now, my wife is back on the bug again.  I finally got hit this past week, and am just now getting over it.  Grace has had a nasty cough the last couple of weeks, and I'm just praying somehow it will be done for a little while.  It always causes some chaos in the house. 

If I get a chance I have to post the pic of a sign my daughter made this week when I was really bad.  She drew a picture of me on the couch with a thermometer in my mouth and wrote "Please don't come inside, my dad is sick."  She went and taped it over the rail on our front porch!  Julia was laughing when she walked in the door from work that day.  It was so cute! Grace had also layed down the blankets and pillows and told me "You lay down now daddy, and I'll take care of you!"  She proceeded to make me a banana split (which she ate mostly herself) and got a huge glass of water.  She did it all by herself upstairs in the kitchen!  I'm just so surprised and proud most of the time of Grace, she is growing up fast!

Otherwise, I feel like I'm just scraping by.  I have been so out of touch with everybody in the last few weeks.  I hope this will all end soon!

I'm still waiting on word from seminary. My personal reference said he sent in the recommendation a week ago, but I'm still getting notice from the seminary that they haven't received it yet.  That's all I'm waiting on at this point.  Once I get accepted we'll see what happens with the financial picture.  I think seminary seems to be the path that makes the most sense right now.  So hopefully I can start in the spring if everything works itself out.

I do have some posts lined up, I just got to sit my butt down and start writing them.  I'm really excited on posting on my Torah study, which just started year 2.  We are walking through how the Messiah is shown all throughout the Torah.  It's been very fascinating so far.  The commentary we use has some far stretches, but there's been some very interesting stuff that I've never heard before that makes this year exciting.

Otherwise it's working, taking care of the family, and darts.  I've actually moved into the top 5 of our division now and I'm having people trying to mentor me in getting better, as well as having some invite to other tournaments on the weekends.  It's been fun for sure!

Ok, off to bed, I gotta get ready for house church tomorrow night.

Same ol' struggles...

I really think I need to wrestle with what God already says about me. I mean it’s one thing to know and understand, but it’s another thing to actually believe it in the way you live your life. What would that look like or not look like?

I think it would not mean that you wouldn’t always be spitting out your qualifications to people to make you feel more significant or ore important.

I think it would not mean that even playing sports, or something you good at, and getting acknowledgement from people that you’re good at to make you feel more unique.

I think it would not mean trying to do so much to show people you are unique.

It would mean freedom from worrying about what other people think of you all of time.

It would mean that you are not constantly asking for feedback after you lead something or present something to find out if you did a good job or not. What do you think people are going to say anyway?

It would mean that I would be content in wherever God has led me to this point, no matter what my vocation is, and where I find myself in the journey.

I can see this weekend so far I am having a hard time already dealing with this identity thing still. Is it always going to be around? For me, as a friend told me months ago, it’s this beach ball that I’ve been sitting on for a while in the water. It’s really hard to keep it underwater, to constantly stay on top of it. But when I let go and let it float up to the top around me, it doesn’t’ have that much power anymore. You still recognize it. You still recognize the voices, but you don’t let it control who you are, what you think about yourself, or how you make decisions.

I still think I’m not there yet. I am still struggling with the whole significance/identity issue. I think I am still trying to show others that I am significant, even more than significant, so that they can see how unique I really am; to show them that I have extra special talents, and people can wow themselves over them.

It is a disease that doesn’t end up any where life-giving. It only eats away at the despair I already feel about my identity.

 

I wish I knew what it took to actually believe that God sees me holy and blameless, to believe that God sees me as significant, to believe that God sees me as precious, special, and talented.

I really can’t think anything outside of seeing it in community. It’s hard for me to trust something I read here as just plain truth with issues such as this. How does God show his love? How does God show his pleasure with me? How does God show his approval with me? Maybe these are questions I need to pursue.

God, please help me to see the answers to these questions. Help me to have the faith to believe these answers, and to live my life in such a way where these answers are true.

Reflections from the Mars Hill Student Retreat...

This is not going to be a post to find out about the inner workings of Mars Hill Students, but more what I’m feeling as I’m wrestling through things that were taught. 

There were three components that were mentioned in helping our students live the best kind of life. The last one was “Mission.” There was one sentence that fueled me to sit down and write this:

“We want these students to know by the time they graduate how God has wired them to live.” He was speaking in context to missionally. Knowing how God has shaped your life to set you on a path to continue to live in that light, using your gifts, talents, education, etc…to live the best kind of life. 

I am 32 years old and I still feeling like I’m figuring that out. 

I met with my spiritual director again this week, which ended up a much longer conversation than last week. I am still wrestling with all of these gifts and talents that God has given me and know knowing where to point them, so I just point them everywhere.

It still feels like I’m somewhere in between where I shouldn’t have been and where God wants me to be. And it’s a depressing vacuum. 

I still find myself talking in “resume” style around paid staff members of churches, or even in conversation with those in church. It’s like I have to tell them “I’m qualified to give this advice,” or “I’m someone worth listening to,” or “This is why you should listen to what I have to say.” It’s sickening to me. It hurts to know that I am that wretched to search for affection/validation/significance in that way. 

I also know that I find some sort of significance by what I do. I want to give my very best to others, but sometimes I think I lose focus on why I want to give my best; is it so I can show others I am capable of doing what I do or is it because I want them to have the best kind of life? I think it’s a little of both most of the time. 

Honestly, right now I feel like every thing I touch is mediocre. It doesn’t have significance. At the same time I know God has used me in significant ways to influence others to live the Kingdom life now.

It’s really getting to the point where I don’t even know what to pray anymore. I don’t know how to ask God for what the next step is. I really don’t think that does any good at this point. I have real fears of if I can ever work in the church again because of my lack of administrative skills or because I can’t handle wrongful criticism (although I think I’m come a long way in that regard), or you fill in the blank. I just don’t really know at this point.

 

It’s hard even being here at this retreat. It just brings up so much from my past that I’d rather not think about. It reminds me of my failures in many places in youth ministry, and the damaging words people said as a result. 

Of course, my spiritual director tells me that the words that were spoken to me were really of ill-will. There was nothing healing in that form of criticism, only destruction and division. 

I think, as a friend of mine told me today, I have a huge problem in trusting God. Maybe I do. Maybe I don’t like where I’m at right now. Maybe I am still focused on the destination/arrival mentality instead of the journey mentality.

So I trod on.

A moment a decade in the making...

I am still sitting here in wonder on what will happen next.

Today my mother called me.  I know it sounds silly, but it wouldn't if you knew the last time I spoke to my mother was 11 years ago.

My parents were divorced when I was 4.  Since then I have seen my mother 5 times.  The last time I spoke with her I was just engaged.  There are many reasons I could go into of why we haven't spoken.  Mainly, it was because I couldn't find her.  She is from Thailand, and now living in Thailand the last decade.

I have had her phone number for the last few months around here, but never could muster up the words to call.  I had no idea what she was going to say, what I would say, how we should be feeling, is she dying, etc...

It was like we picked up where we left off 11 years ago. 

We talked about my family: my wife and daughter.  What they're like.  How I look different compared to my wedding picture (which apparently is the only picture she has of me that's recent...10 years ago), where we're working, about extended relatives, and of course herself.

She said she's not dying, but did have cancer.

Best of all, my wife got to talk to her.  She was home sick today and was there to chat with her for the very first time. It took all I could not to bawl right in front of her. 

Needless to say, it was something I've been longing for in ages, and now that the time is finally here, my mother and I have a lot of catching up to do.

The first two things on my list is letting her talk to her granddaughter for the first time and getting all the tips on Thai cooking that I can.  She is still the best cook on the planet.

Streams...

My first meeting with my spiritual director was nothing less than excellent. To many it may seem like counseling, but I assure you it's a little different.  I kept mentioning the word streams when I was describing my life at the moment, that I'm involved in many different streams.  My director asked why I used that metaphor. I never really thought about why I use the word streams, but it definitely made me think a little.

I am paying more attention to God's voice within those streams.  I still feel odd not knowing what direction God has for me next.  Some "stream" that's been coming to the surface recently is a few people randomly telling me I'd be a good elementary teacher.  I have been really taken aback by those comments because they have come at completely random moments without any prompting within those conversations.  After you hear that a few times you begin to pay attention a little more.  A school teacher is something I would def. be interested in, although I'd love to teach a Bible class over regular school things.  I have no idea what it means but we'll see. 

In the meantime, I have applied for seminary and see where that road leads.  Because of the particular school loan I have, I would have to be at least three-quarters time to get my loan deferred.  That means normally about 9 credit hours.  My friend Joe is currently going to seminary taking 9 credits and I know he's immersed in studying all of the time.  I'd be curious to see what happens with all of the other things I am doing.

Moving on, the final thing that was pointed out was something I definitely needed to hear.  It was the phrase, "God saved us from a lot of pain by taking us out of the churches we served when He did."  He told me to focus on "God saved us from a lot of pain."  One of the difficult things in my life that Satan has used has been the fact that my longest tenure at a church has been 3 years.  You almost get the feeling that most churches talk down about that on a resume.  I can understand to a point.  I wish I could tell the story of all 3 of my experiences, but being that other people from those churches read this blog I really can't divulge too much that way.  Maybe if you e-mail I'd be willing to share, but not here.

Regardless, God had called us to each one of those places, and God took us out of each one of those places, saving us from more pain that we had already experienced.  I don't understand a lot of this journey, but God has been good to us in this regard. I guess I just never really thought of it that way before. 

We are in a place right now where we're given time to heal. I have no idea how long that healing will take.

A final thing in regards to spiritual direction is something a friend of mine pointed out a couple of weeks ago, that I still had a destination/arrival mentality to my life instead of a journey.  What that means is that I am sitting here waiting for "that thing" to arrive to say that I've finally moved on/made it.  For me, maybe "that thing" is getting back into full-time vocational paycheck ministry.  I've felt like anytime I'm not there I am still not where I am supposed to be.  But what about today?  What does a journey mentality look like.  Where I am at now is experiences that I need to continue moving forward.  I just need to become more aware of that, and fight off the destination/arrival mentality.  When I start thinking in destination/arrival terms, I start to get really depressed.

Well, enough for now, gotta get ready to go to Mars.

I know it's been a while...

There's no excuses...just life in general and I don't feel like there's anything to say, so I'll update on life..

1. Fantasy football:  Julia says it's an obsession...I'm sure she's right in some way.  I love this part of the year.  I actually semi-decent at it, so I love playing it.  I also started a blog, although I'm waiting to unveil it here.

2. Harry Potter:  I read the entire series the last 3-4 weeks.  It was excellent.  Can't wait to see what they do with the last 2 movies, they are going to be intense.  I don't know how book 7 is going to avoid an R rating if they do what happened in the book.

3. Darts:  I joined a dart league this fall.  I love it!  Just chillin' with bar friends (and now there's a couple who is part of house church and attending Mars Hill).  It's just been excellent.

4. Spiritual Direction:  My first meeting is tonight. Just bringing clarity to my chaos that I call a life.

5. Grace school/work:  It's starting to be a regular rhythm, but I finally work a semi-regular shift so I'm finally getting used to it.

6. Neighbors moving:  Our closest neighbors are moving soon, so we're helping them with their house to sell it.  That will be a sad day for us indeed, esp. Grace.

Well that's life the last month.