Soul Renovatus

It's my fault...

A moment happened yesterday that woke me up to a horrifying fact:

It is my fault that I don't have many close friends.

There are many reasons.  I haven't done a great job of keeping in touch with my long distance friends over the years, something Facebook oddly enough might be helping to alleviate.  Another reason could be my frequency of moving.  We have moved locations every 3 years at least during our married lives (and if I count before that I can add another 2 more during college). While it is easier for me to make friends more quickly, it is not the same for my wife.

She made some best friends in places, again, where Facebook has allowed them to reconnect.  But I've caused her to disconnect with them because of my vocation.  This leads to another reason, said former vocation. There is always this wall between a pastor and people in his/her congregation.  As much as I made an effort to scale this wall and come on the other side, bricks were continually being laid, making the wall harder to climb, to the point I just gave up after a while.

A final reason probably has been the many times I was burnt while I was a pastor.  The time I felt like I finally got through the wall, my vulnerability got the best of me.  Now, it makes every new friendship that much harder to risk.  It sucks getting hurt.  Now, I find that extreme cautious a natural mechanism in my new friendships.

Currently, the vocation is removed (for now), and I don't have that wall in the way, yet I still feel like I'm not developing those close friendships.  I think there are some on their way, but not to the point where I would say I try everything possible to meet up with them to just chat and chill.

I have two friends I can say that about right now, my wife and Mark Dennison.  I haven't spoken with Mark in about 5 months, but I guarantee when we do, we'll just pick up where we left off.  Another  friend of mine, who I haven't spoken to in ages, told me that "frequency doesn't determine the depth of friendship."  If I can pick up where I left off last time and not feel guilty, usually those are my closer friends.  I'm still not sure about my friends quote, but I'm sure frequency couldn't hurt.

Now, I am taking little risks, and feeling as cautious as a person seeing the light for the first time after spending years in darkness; I just want to crawl back in the hole that I've known for so long. Many times, I feel like that third/fourth/fifth wheel of a group, reminiscent of many of my middle and high school days.  The nice guy never finds a group to belong to, he just seems to be a chameleon.  I don't know whether or not that's unhealthy.

Until then, I pray that I can stay in a place long enough to the roots grow more than an inch.  Maybe I can hope for a foot.

I shouldn't even put up this post, maybe I'll take it down, but I've got to download this somehow.

And to all of my former good friends, I apologize for being a sucky one.  I can't promise you I'll be better, but I'll keep taking risks, hoping that I can leave that dark hole I found so comfortable.

A great movie for how parents should react to their teen getting pregnant...

Just saw Juno last night.  Incredible movie. It was pretty much like Gilmore Girls on steroids.  I laughed so hard much of the time!  In case you don't know, Juno is about a 16-yr girl who gets pregnant, then decides to give her baby up for adoption.  It's a great journey all the way through, with some great dialogue and hilarious one-liners. 

Anyway, what Julia and I were talking about last night is how Juno's parents reacted to her telling them she was pregnant.  We were saying that the her parent's acted should be an example of how all parents should approach their child.  It was honest, yet affirming, and extremely supportive.  It's one of those moments where I know I would show at some parenting seminar regarding those types of things. 

Go watch the movie if you haven't.  It's a lot of fun to watch.  One of my favorite lines when Juno's about to have her baby and she wants an epidural (I'm paraphrasing right now):

Juno: I want the spinal tap man!

Stepmom:  No, honey, the doctor said he can't give it to you because you're not dilated enough yet.

Juno: I thought doctors were supposed to help people!

Stepmom: No, doctors are sadists who just want to see lesser people suffer.

Ok, I'm just going to say it...

I am tired of people getting amped up on others when they don't say the particular "catch phrases" about Christians sharing Jesus with others.  The last couple of weeks, I have been reading various blogs and having face-to-face conversations with some who are upset are certain people because they apparently missed an "opportunity to share the gospel."  Specifically, I hear that of one of my pastors, Rob Bell, when he's out and about at things (the Seeds of Compassion conference comes to mind) as well as his weekly teachings.

My friends, in response to this let me ask a question, is it possible to speak about something, or a truth, without ever mentioning its name or label?  I think anyone with any shred of common sense could answer that.  Assuming you know the correct answer, wouldn't it be possible for someone to share the truth of Jesus without going through the standard mantra of description?

My wife (who is 1000 times more brilliant than I could ever dream, posted a comment on my friend Erica's blog regarding this:

"Okay, I just watched the clips of Rob at the Seeds of Compassion event. As a follower of Jesus and a member of Mars Hill I must say I am very proud of how Rob spoke beautiful truths in response to those questions. I am blessed to have the privilege to be engaged in those truths each and every time I hear him teach. I am blessed that he has spoken such truth into my life personally and directly. To say that he did not share Christ is absurd! As Christians, aren't we supposed to share Christ with our lives? If all truth is God's truth, then when we speak truth are we not sharing Christ?

As for not sharing the power of the cross, I am in complete disagreement. I have no idea whether he gave a "gospel presentation" off camera, but the words he spoke were indeed the power of the cross! Redemption and forgiveness and resurrection were the issues he spoke on - if that's not the power of the cross, I don't know what is! He did not need to use the specific phrases we are so used to hearing in our churches to share the power of the cross. There are those people who somehow seem to think that the depth of our faith can only be felt and heard with those certain words. How that shortchanges the ability of God to penetrate into the hearts and minds of all people! Rob may have gained more respect from his honest, thoughtful, and poignant responses than if he had done nothing but preach a mini-sermon. He may have lost respect. What if his answers encourage people who wouldn't normally take interest in what Christians had to say to listen to him and be curious about his writings and teachings? From my own personal experience, people who are dis-interested in or turned off by Christians are more than likely to take an interest in Christ from the Christ they see demonstrated in my life, not the the "Christian" words I speak to them."

Some think that because some of these words were not mentioned, the message of the gospel (which could be one of the issues, as that word in itself needs defined) has been "watered-down."  If I speak on the power of forgiveness, of death, and resurrection, do you think it would have any possibility of speaking of Christ, and especially the cross?! 

I think people come to listen to Rob, or Doug Pagitt, or whoever else you want to label as a heretic, evil, or bad (or you fill in the blank), already come with an agenda to nitpick anything they can find (and will take things out of context quickly) without considering that they can speak some truth.  I am always trying to be aware when I take that posture with those whose views I don't totally adhere to (a certain seminary prof comes to mind), but at the same time, I am asking God for the humility to be open to truths that emerge.

If your mind is too shallow to not even consider the person speaking truth, then you are shutting off the Holy Spirit.  What are you so afraid of?

I think people like Rob are showing those who don't profess in Jesus that there are Christians who do want to make the world a better place, who in my mind actually put love on display.  What powerful words Rob spoke in those few minutes regarding violence in our world.  It was a tough question, and he handled it beautifully and spoke with such hope.

So please, for the love of Christ and His Kingdom, please consider this plea to be humble; to acknowledge that God can teach us from anybody, anything, or any circumstance, no matter what our feelings toward them are.  We will become more like Christ because of it.

Regarding Wholeness...

I was in Spiritual Formation class this morning and we were talking about wholeness. I am fascinated that in many of my churches there is this compartmentalization of ourselves, and that the “spiritual” side is always the priority. Emotional heath, physical health, social heath, etc., are always shoved by the wayside. Usually when I’ve approached people in areas of emotional health or social health, they don’t deem it as important as the spiritual aspect (and by that it means making sure you have your devotions, prayer time, and quote a Bible verse, etc…).

There is no word for spiritual in the Hebrew language. As Rob Bell said on his first speaking tour, “everything is spiritual.” It is all integrated, emotions, social, intellectual, mental, physical, occupational, under spiritual.

Honestly, I think part of my problem in my early tenure in churches was that I was emotionally immature. There were ways that I handled situations that was adolescent (and I still have those responses in particular circumstances). I’m becoming extremely convinced that youth pastors shouldn’t have a full-time lead role until the age of 25 at least. Obviously there are exceptions, but there is so much emotional immaturity from ages 21-24 that one could avoid if they were aware how they respond to certain situations. Sadly, I think most senior or lead pastors, as well as church leadership are unaware of this immaturity, or, they expect said people to be emotionally mature because they were trained in school. Or…maybe they are still adolescent in their emotional maturity. They don’t teach classes on how to handle yourself emotionally. They should. This class that I’m taking is doing that, but what about the undergraduate level? What about in our youth ministries? What about in our churches?

Even great business organizations acknowledge that a person with high EI (Emotional Intelligence) is much more effective than someone with a higher IQ but lower EI. This journey is relational, and if you cannot work well with people, then sometimes you will set yourself up for situations that could have been avoided had you had the emotional maturity.

Now, please don’t think that I’m saying, “Live by your feelings.” Of course, there is a way of checking your emotions (I would start with The Emotionally Healthy Church by Pete Scazzero), but we don’t want to disregard them as negative altogether. God has wired us this way. We cannot look at them like a curse.

Any thoughts on your experience? With churches or other ministries?

A great letter...

Scot McKnight has posted a wonderful letter in response on what motivates criticism.  It is one the cuts to the heart of the matter, and hopefully makes you ask some serious questions on why you criticize when you do.  It asks you the motivations behind your critcisms.  He asks some great questions, and the letter itself is a great example of what he's talking about. Go check it out.

A project for all spouses, parents, children, and...well pretty much whomever...

Last week I was reflecting on how grateful I am for my wife.  We'll be married 10 years this summer.  I always kick myself because I feel like I don't tell her enough how special she is, so I, in total Mike Lamson fashion, decided to embark on a huge project to alleviate this issue.

I am writing down in a book one reason why my wife is special every day for the rest of my life.

Yup. The rest of my life...every day...something different about why my wife is special.  I would put her mug on here except for the fact that the very thought of it would negate this project I'm embarking on.  I might share here and there some of the reasons I've wrote down, but I thought it might be a great idea for those of you who are married (and honestly, I'm thinking of doing it for my daughter as well).  I'm sure they'll be days where I might forget, but I'm making it my mission to remind her how special she is for the rest of our lives.

Let's start a revolution!

Turf wars in the church...

Lately this seems to be the theme running around here.

I am amazed at how many things we get wrapped up in regarding roles in churches. Lately, many of our volunteers have been complaining about a lot of turf related issues. What is the issue behind all of that whining?

Maybe we as staff don't encourage our volunteers enough.  Maybe we need to be more appreciative of what they do.

There is also an issue of posture. We place so much value in what we do, that when people question us, we just get defensive. Why? Maybe we don't trust God enough when he says we are made in His image. That we don't trust Him enough to acknowledge that he really does love us.

It's so easy to say that God loves us, but many times for people it seems hard to believe because they don't see it in action in real life. What am I doing to change this perception? What am I doing to contribute to the division?

Even then, it's amazing how many of us just blow off our tops at the smallest of things. Color of carpets, who does what in worship, which banners to hang, whose banners we hang, "those people" coming into our building, those youth trashing our facility...after a while you take a step back and see how silly some of these things we blow our tops over.

What can we do to take a more humble posture towards these matters?

I'll give you a great example. Last fall we had a breakfast for our missions conference involving our youth. I had asked one of my adult leaders (who usually cooks for most of my events) if he would cook breakfast for the conference. He said he would love to. I call to remind him the day before and he is ready to go the next day.

But the next morning, he is nowhere to be found. What do I do? Do I get upset that he's not there? What should my response be? I am reminded of Eph. 4:2-3, "Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and bind yourselves together with peace."
So I start cooking the breakfast, and in the midst I'm calling him to make sure he's ok. I am not the greatest at cooking it, but I get by.

I wonder how many would call my friend and immediately say, "Where are you!? You were supposed to be here 30 minutes ago!" What kind of posture is that promoting? I mean, how many times have you made a commitment, and then something happens unexpectedly that just conflicts with your commitment? What if they got in a car accident? What if they got the news that someone close to them died or is in the hospital? We just don't know do we.

So maybe when an apparent conflict arises, instead of calling them and asking, "Where are you," we should ask, "Are you ok?  How are you doing?" Regardless, what can you really do about it now? If it was something that was their fault, talk it out to make sure it doesn't happen again, but don't beat them over the head with it. I mean what does that really accomplish? We could avoid so much division if we a little more humble our postures in these moments, with a focus on the bigger, that of God's mission. In this instance, my friend let me down. I told him it made things a little more hairy, but it's done and let's do better next time. I'll call him earlier that morning to make sure he's awake, and at the same time realize that I don't need to get upset over it.

I know there's much more to say but I don't need to make this a novel, but I guess we need to be aware that there is always a bigger picture when someone is defensive, and at the same time, we should give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to these "turf" wars.

Just some thoughts...

Grace,

Mike